Wednesday, May 07, 2003
If it’s broke, you can always fix it!
Okay…so I will be the first to admit it. I make a big deal out of nothing. I can be overly dramatic, I can blow things out of proportion and I definitely take everything way too personally. I have been this way for as long as I can remember and changing it seems about impossible. The reason I am writing all of this is because last night I had a wonderful evening with Paul. Oops.
I have this problem of opening up and laying all of my shit on the table with both my friends and this journal whenever anything goes wrong. Or at least when I start to get deeply upset about the problems I am facing. Over the last 72 hours I have broken up with Paul in my head a number of different ways. In one such fantasy, I arrive at his house, enter via the keys he made me, grab all of my shit, stuff it in my backpack, and finally turn to tell him that “It’s over. Once and for all.” Thank God there is a part of me that calms me down and forces me to get advice from my friends and family. If I didn’t do that and I acted completely on impulse, I would be sitting here most likely regretting my hasty decision.
Paul called me at work yesterday. He was very sweet on the phone and when I informed him of my plans for the evening, he asked me to break them. He wanted to see me. Against my better judgement, I obliged and told him that I could be at his pad by 6pm. When I arrived at his front door, he was nowhere to be found. I let myself in and walked to his bedroom. When I opened the door, there was nothing but a pile of blankets. I immediately ripped off the pile in one fell swoop and exposed my naked boyfriend. He screamed and started hysterically laughing. The sound of his joy was so contagious, that I immediately forgot why I was angry and jumped on top of him. We wrestled for a bit, laughing and pinching and acting as though our relationship was based completely on shits and giggles.
After we calmed down a bit, we started talking about anything and everything. I had decided before arriving at his place that I wasn’t going to bring up the problems of our relationship. I was just going to have a good night with him and encourage him to talk to Mariah. This plan worked for the first hour we were together, but out of nowhere, we began arguing over something stupid. Having debated breaking up with him in my head over the last couple of days, I felt all of the anger, hurt, and frustration fly back into me. I told him that we were headed down a path of destruction and that if things didn’t change soon, we would be forced to go our separate ways.
It was at this moment that I realized that I am “overly dramatic, blowing things out of proportion, and taking things way to personally”. Paul stared at me blankly. He asked “So, you want to break up?” I explained that I didn’t want to “break up”, that that was the farthest thing from my mind. I told him how deeply in love with him that I am. But then I hit him with the reality that we might be better off as people if we took a break from each other. I suggested that maybe we should take a month off from seeing one another, just to get perspective. The look of horror on his face said it all. “But Joe, you are the only one I want to see. If I can’t see you, I don’t want to see anyone.”
My heart melted.
I told Paul that I simply was not happy with our relationship. I explained that I am not comfortable with the way he talks to me, that he can be condescending and cruel. As I continued to explain my position, he got very defensive. We decided to drop the talk altogether and go to dinner.
Once we had arrived at probably the worst restaurant either of us have ever been to (the food was fucking nast), Paul brought up our Bahamas vacation. I informed him that I had talked to my mother and that there were ways out of the trip. Once he saw that I was serious, his entire demeanor changed. We discussed at great length about the way we treat each other. He was verbal with me and open about how he perceives me in the relationship. Going into the conversation, I was just as closed minded about my wrong doings, as he has been in the past. I found the anger building in me when he was laying all of our issues on the table. I bit my tongue and I sat there and gave him a chance to speak his mind. Fortunately, it was the smartest thing I could have done.
Once Paul explained himself, I felt a release of all of the pressure that had been building up inside of me for the last week. We then had the most productive conversation that we have had in the longest time. It’s funny how everything can change in the matter of minutes. He became this beautiful boy again and not the monster that I had been envisioning. When he reached across the table to touch my hand at a delicate point of the conversation, I knew that I had lost the battle again. We would not be breaking up. We would be giving our relationship yet another chance.
The one thing that I was not flexible on was our lack of intimacy. He tried to explain to me why he doesn’t want to be physical and it made some sense. SOME sense. I still feel as though there is no excuse for using sex as a weapon in a relationship and I explained that to him in great detail. I also told him of my fear of us never actually having intercourse, as we can’t even kiss on the lips these days. He then did a typical Paul thing and said, “Let’s have sex (anal sex) tonight!” I burst out laughing and told him “Never”. Because Paul can sometimes be a clueless moron about things, he made me discuss why it wasn’t normal for us to have anal sex for the first time when we don’t even suck each other’s dicks anymore. Eventually he backed down and agreed to start working on our physicality.
By the end of dinner, we were back in love and ready to grow. We laughed all the way home and when we got back into his apartment, he turned to me, kissed me on the cheek and said “I love you Joe”. THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED. To feel appreciated, to feel loved, and to feel wanted. All of the things that any guy would need to get from his boyfriend.
I have learned quite a few lessons over the last couple of days. Mostly about how I am as a boyfriend. I am lucky to be surrounded by people who care about me and love me so much that they want nothing more than for me to be happy. Although Paul and I exist within the same group of friends (a very dangerous thing I might add), we are both blessed to have surrounded ourselves with people who don’t take sides except when needed. They are objective and understanding. They are a true support system. Engineered and designed specifically for nut cases like Paul and I.
I know it seems like I “deserve better” and that may be true. But until I fall out of love with this guy there is no hope of me ever moving on without him. His happiness is my happiness. I don’t like to give up on anything. Especially not something like this. If it takes more work, I am willing to put it in. We could have the opportunity to achieve emotional levels with each other that I never thought was possible before. I don’t want to lose him or give up on him until I am sure that we have hit our plateau.
I need to keep in mind that Paul struggles with his own issues too. I am not the only one in this relationship who is suffering from the trials of life. My mom told me yesterday that I need to make sure that I am not projecting my current misery on him. He is not the answer to all of my problems. Yet it is so easy to sit in here and write about how badly he treats me, when I really should be sitting here focusing on fixing my own shit. I need to be there for Paul just as I want him to be here for me. I am not the center of the universe. I am just a star. Ok, that was a lame ass analogy, but you get the idea.
Thanks for putting up with my struggles over the last couple of days. If I didn’t have this journal here to release everything that is in my head, I would certainly make some irreparable decisions.
Starting this thing up was the best idea Rita ever gave to me.
Okay…so I will be the first to admit it. I make a big deal out of nothing. I can be overly dramatic, I can blow things out of proportion and I definitely take everything way too personally. I have been this way for as long as I can remember and changing it seems about impossible. The reason I am writing all of this is because last night I had a wonderful evening with Paul. Oops.
I have this problem of opening up and laying all of my shit on the table with both my friends and this journal whenever anything goes wrong. Or at least when I start to get deeply upset about the problems I am facing. Over the last 72 hours I have broken up with Paul in my head a number of different ways. In one such fantasy, I arrive at his house, enter via the keys he made me, grab all of my shit, stuff it in my backpack, and finally turn to tell him that “It’s over. Once and for all.” Thank God there is a part of me that calms me down and forces me to get advice from my friends and family. If I didn’t do that and I acted completely on impulse, I would be sitting here most likely regretting my hasty decision.
Paul called me at work yesterday. He was very sweet on the phone and when I informed him of my plans for the evening, he asked me to break them. He wanted to see me. Against my better judgement, I obliged and told him that I could be at his pad by 6pm. When I arrived at his front door, he was nowhere to be found. I let myself in and walked to his bedroom. When I opened the door, there was nothing but a pile of blankets. I immediately ripped off the pile in one fell swoop and exposed my naked boyfriend. He screamed and started hysterically laughing. The sound of his joy was so contagious, that I immediately forgot why I was angry and jumped on top of him. We wrestled for a bit, laughing and pinching and acting as though our relationship was based completely on shits and giggles.
After we calmed down a bit, we started talking about anything and everything. I had decided before arriving at his place that I wasn’t going to bring up the problems of our relationship. I was just going to have a good night with him and encourage him to talk to Mariah. This plan worked for the first hour we were together, but out of nowhere, we began arguing over something stupid. Having debated breaking up with him in my head over the last couple of days, I felt all of the anger, hurt, and frustration fly back into me. I told him that we were headed down a path of destruction and that if things didn’t change soon, we would be forced to go our separate ways.
It was at this moment that I realized that I am “overly dramatic, blowing things out of proportion, and taking things way to personally”. Paul stared at me blankly. He asked “So, you want to break up?” I explained that I didn’t want to “break up”, that that was the farthest thing from my mind. I told him how deeply in love with him that I am. But then I hit him with the reality that we might be better off as people if we took a break from each other. I suggested that maybe we should take a month off from seeing one another, just to get perspective. The look of horror on his face said it all. “But Joe, you are the only one I want to see. If I can’t see you, I don’t want to see anyone.”
My heart melted.
I told Paul that I simply was not happy with our relationship. I explained that I am not comfortable with the way he talks to me, that he can be condescending and cruel. As I continued to explain my position, he got very defensive. We decided to drop the talk altogether and go to dinner.
Once we had arrived at probably the worst restaurant either of us have ever been to (the food was fucking nast), Paul brought up our Bahamas vacation. I informed him that I had talked to my mother and that there were ways out of the trip. Once he saw that I was serious, his entire demeanor changed. We discussed at great length about the way we treat each other. He was verbal with me and open about how he perceives me in the relationship. Going into the conversation, I was just as closed minded about my wrong doings, as he has been in the past. I found the anger building in me when he was laying all of our issues on the table. I bit my tongue and I sat there and gave him a chance to speak his mind. Fortunately, it was the smartest thing I could have done.
Once Paul explained himself, I felt a release of all of the pressure that had been building up inside of me for the last week. We then had the most productive conversation that we have had in the longest time. It’s funny how everything can change in the matter of minutes. He became this beautiful boy again and not the monster that I had been envisioning. When he reached across the table to touch my hand at a delicate point of the conversation, I knew that I had lost the battle again. We would not be breaking up. We would be giving our relationship yet another chance.
The one thing that I was not flexible on was our lack of intimacy. He tried to explain to me why he doesn’t want to be physical and it made some sense. SOME sense. I still feel as though there is no excuse for using sex as a weapon in a relationship and I explained that to him in great detail. I also told him of my fear of us never actually having intercourse, as we can’t even kiss on the lips these days. He then did a typical Paul thing and said, “Let’s have sex (anal sex) tonight!” I burst out laughing and told him “Never”. Because Paul can sometimes be a clueless moron about things, he made me discuss why it wasn’t normal for us to have anal sex for the first time when we don’t even suck each other’s dicks anymore. Eventually he backed down and agreed to start working on our physicality.
By the end of dinner, we were back in love and ready to grow. We laughed all the way home and when we got back into his apartment, he turned to me, kissed me on the cheek and said “I love you Joe”. THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED. To feel appreciated, to feel loved, and to feel wanted. All of the things that any guy would need to get from his boyfriend.
I have learned quite a few lessons over the last couple of days. Mostly about how I am as a boyfriend. I am lucky to be surrounded by people who care about me and love me so much that they want nothing more than for me to be happy. Although Paul and I exist within the same group of friends (a very dangerous thing I might add), we are both blessed to have surrounded ourselves with people who don’t take sides except when needed. They are objective and understanding. They are a true support system. Engineered and designed specifically for nut cases like Paul and I.
I know it seems like I “deserve better” and that may be true. But until I fall out of love with this guy there is no hope of me ever moving on without him. His happiness is my happiness. I don’t like to give up on anything. Especially not something like this. If it takes more work, I am willing to put it in. We could have the opportunity to achieve emotional levels with each other that I never thought was possible before. I don’t want to lose him or give up on him until I am sure that we have hit our plateau.
I need to keep in mind that Paul struggles with his own issues too. I am not the only one in this relationship who is suffering from the trials of life. My mom told me yesterday that I need to make sure that I am not projecting my current misery on him. He is not the answer to all of my problems. Yet it is so easy to sit in here and write about how badly he treats me, when I really should be sitting here focusing on fixing my own shit. I need to be there for Paul just as I want him to be here for me. I am not the center of the universe. I am just a star. Ok, that was a lame ass analogy, but you get the idea.
Thanks for putting up with my struggles over the last couple of days. If I didn’t have this journal here to release everything that is in my head, I would certainly make some irreparable decisions.
Starting this thing up was the best idea Rita ever gave to me.
